Sitting in The Judgement Seat
There were several times in my life where things became hard for me, and asking for help was worse than just going ahead and suffering. Most of the time before I could truly tell anyone the situation they had tons of judgment for me. Most people have this curious notion that because I went through so much hardship there's no way I could have an education. They completely dismiss the idea of having a disability, or that you may actually have an actual problem you need help with. When you bring it up they say you're using it as an excuse. They'd rather you put your life at risk because at least it's not their life, right? And they spend their time making comparisons between themselves and the other person not realizing they're actually not helping.
I remember one time while my kids were in school 3 months after giving birth, I was to find a job because it was required to keep my kids childcare. Unfortunately I couldn't because the hours I needed to work in order to still pick up my kids on time was not realistic. Instead of staff at my children's schools saying "We apologize because our program can't fit your needs" they tried their absolute best to insult me and insinuate that it was my fault. Fortunately for me as The Supervisor who was being insulting had to heed my advocates who spoke up on my behalf. The woman who insulted me said I probably wasn't educated, to which my advocates stepped in and stated "No ma'am she has an Associates Degree in Fashion Design, and a Certificate in Project Management." When it came to my pregnancy and post partum this woman said critically "What? Did you have a complicated pregnancy? So did I! That's not an excuse because I still worked and I was unto death!" Mind you, this woman was referring to the pregnancy I had with Faith Michaela. I was losing amniotic fluid, so it wasn't my life on the line more than it was my unborn child. I felt as if she didn't care about the life of my child. Nonetheless my 2 advocates stepped in and defended me "It wasn't her we were worried about, but the baby, the baby could've died!"
One woman was a Dr, and she sat in the chair across the table with her hands guarding her face as if every time this woman criticized me she could block it from hitting her face. 🙅🏾♀️. Dr. K was a very spiritual woman and if she could feel every insulting blow, then her body language was saying it.
When the woman finally gave up trying to criticize me she got on the phone and tried to help me with a job, but that fell through because the position he recommended conflicted with the hours they were closing at the school, and since I was responsible for picking up the children that would have made me lose childcare anyway because I would've been consistently late picking them up. This was my problem anyway so she just began to lose fuel and reason to criticize me. Sooner or later there was less eye contact when before she was big and bold and criticizing. I saw then it was all a front to come off intimidating, but for what?
Unfortunately that meeting went so horribly, I scheduled a meeting with the CEO and told her my issue with this woman that was so rude to me. The CEO said "I apologize but the way our program is made, you have to have a job to keep the childcare. And unfortunately because of your circumstance with your husband's work schedule and when the kids need to be picked up it conflicts." Then she said "I'm sorry our program can't fit your needs, and we're still going to have to drop the children's child care, but I wish you the best of luck!"
You know what though I wasn't angry about whether or not the program met my needs. I was angry because of how I was treated before they arrived at that conclusion. They did everything in their power to make it my fault until I spoke to someone in charge of them. That woman that was rude to me did get reprimanded for how unprofessional she was, and I prayed that after me she would never come for anyone in that manner again.
A few months down the line something similar happened. It was recommended by my daughters school counselor and nurse to be in touch with the social worker because we were being evicted from our apartment and when I called they said "See but this is not a hand out, we don't help people who don't help themselves!" "What educational experience do you have?"
I replied, "I have an Associate Degree in Fashion Design and a Certificate in Project Management! Now, WHAT ABOUT IT?"
"Ma'am you don't have to get frustrated with me!" "Now isn't that something?" I interrupted "People at YOUR school recommended I speak to you about our circumstance to get help and all you've done since I called was judge me though you don't know me. I have an education, my kids don't have daycare, and my husband works full time. What do you want me to do? Leave my kids so they can fend for themselves while I go work?" By that time I assume I'd rubbed her the wrong way so by the time she sent what she thought was help, DFCS wondered why they were there because there was no negligence on my part. The weapon formed but it didn't prosper, but even then even that case worker couldn't help me because she was not in the department that could do that. See she was the person they send when the kids aren't eating, are being beat, or in a troubled situation that means their life is in danger. The misconception of the social worker at the school was that because we were having a hardship we needed to have our kids snatched away from us, because that's what she told me. "They're going to come take your kids away, I'm sorry." I've never told anyone about this situation in depth, and how I was treated by that social worker at the school. I was so angry after that I felt like I tried to get help and couldn't. I don't even remember if I shared this with my husband.
Judging Others
The bible says in Matthew 7:1-2
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."
To make matters worse I actually expected that kind of treatment in the World but where I thought there would be a level of integrity in the church, others had become like the world. Making themselves hold the same standards as the World when we are clearly supposed to be different.
I know that I don't tell people often about my story and it's because I've always been judged and people have spoken out of turn with me. God was always my avenger and even allowed those nay sayers to be put to shame. You know why? Because their jobs are to help those in need without judgement.
When it came down to it they didn't even ask how they could help. That's how I know they weren't truly serious about what they were offering. A person who truly wants to help will know when to tell you they can't because they don't have it. They won't begin to mock and criticize you or use information that you've given them in confidence to belittle you. So listen to the vengeance of God in Proverbs 17:5 concerning the poor. If you mock the poor you insult The Creator our Father in Heaven! Not only that but those types of people don't get over they WILL be punished! 👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾
When I first read Proverbs 17:5 I said "I rest my case Lord." Then I asked him to remove the mockers out of my life, because the Bible says:
"Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord , and who meditates on his law day and night.
Psalms 1:1-2 NIV
Now I don't know how others read this scripture, but I took that as a person in the victim's seat to be mocked by people who pretended to want to help me. On certain terms the Bible tells us it's okay to get up and walk away from that kind of treatment and to take refuge in Him.
Years ago my dad told me "Kana you don't have to stand there and take abuse or let ANYONE talk down to you, standing there and letting someone belittle you is NOT respect at all if you have to disrespect yourself to listen to it!!!" These are words I live by today as well as other golden nuggets my father laid on me in my adult years.
Today apathy is the most disgusting trait a person can have to me. I mean it disgusts me on a spiritual level to where it becomes physically exhausting for me. The same way Dr. K felt physically attacked by the things that Supervisor was saying out of turn to me, is the same way I feel about people with apathy. It's disgusting and just writing about it makes me feel the acid turn in my stomach. It makes me feel like I want to vomit. It just doesn't serve God, it certainly doesn't serve me, and it doesn't serve others.
Having Mercy to Obtain Mercy
The only reason God showed me so much mercy all these years is because I'm merciful and generous enough to hear his voice when he tells me to help someone. I do it without judgment, and usually without expecting anything in return. I just have empathy for others, and I'm learning more that is God's will. I can't tell you how many times I've been in Atlanta with my food stamp card and I've fed the homeless. I remember one guy was standing outside McDonald's and all he wanted was a sandwich from the dollar menu. I told him to put his money in his pocket and I went to get him some food with my EBT card. I got him 5 sandwiches so at least he had a days worth of food and drinks. He told me his family wouldn't even help him, and he was very grateful I helped him. I felt like those choices sealed the mercy of God over my life when I was in need. Although I had some family and friends that were merciless a vast majority of the time, and saying discouraging things along the way; Complete strangers were an absolute blessing to me while me and my family struggled to make it day to day.
One time a guy on the train was having a hard time finding his way, and I had just got off the phone with my husband. This man had overheard my conversation and heard that I was tired of people judging me and my husband while we were trying so hard to get on our feet. It's not like we didn't have jobs, I was also going to school, and yet people were pointing and calling us irresponsible or needy when most of our expenses went toward the care of our children, transportation, or food! People really think that the homeless have no responsibilities, no bills! It's insanity! My husband had to pay more money out for insurance, gas, our cell phones, storage bill for our belongings, public transportation for myself. I'm sorry but bills still exist even in a homeless persons life, and there's actually no room to splurge anything! The man asked me how to get where he was going and I gave him clear directions on where to go. With tears in his eyes, he stuck $100 in my rolling back pack that was beside me and ran off before telling me not to give up. I tried to yell "Thank you!" but he was gone.
The Fear of the Lord
I have a question though, what happened to actually giving others guidance? If I needed help, then I just needed help back then. A hand up not a hand out. And what was so wrong with saying "I'm sorry, but I don't have it to help." I would've accepted that, because there are times where I can't help others even though I genuinely would like to.
Even in my times where I may not have had the money there were several times I bought a person food with my EBT card or gave someone some food I had prepared already. The Lord knew I was generous enough to do it because one day I was in the grocery store after coming from Project Management class. I'd stopped at the grocery store for a soda. Suddenly, I heard a still voice say "Hey, grab a water." I was already paying though, and I didn't want to have to stop the cashier, so I didn't buy the water. A few seconds later a lady in front of S&S Diner stops me and asks me if I have money to spare. "No I don't, but are you hungry?" She screams with relief "Yes!" I had some pizza in my bag in a plastic container and handed it to her. "I'm sorry this is cold," I said "but this is all I have." She said she didn't care, and she ate that right away. She told me it was just fine the way it was. She thanked me I realized that is why the Holy Spirit was telling me to buy the water. It wasn't for me, it was for this hungry lady in front of S&S Diner. It's really something when God has to tell the poor to take care of the poor. I may have been housed at this particular time but I was still on government assistance.
Inordinate Fear vs The Fear of The Lord
If our excuse to be critical of others in their time of need is the fear of being used, then we seriously need a dose of spiritual reality. Why would God let us be taken advantage of while we are doing his work. If he's given us a spirit of discernment, why not use that? Do you think God can't teach us the difference between a person in real need and a user?
Have you ever read Matthew 7? Jesus not only says not to judge and goes on about the speck in your brother's eye and the plank in your own, but he also says not to give to dogs what is sacred and don't cast your pearls to pigs who will trample on on them and then turn to destroy you (v.6). If that's not teaching you what to look for then I don't know what you're expecting🙅🏾♀️
We need to make a decision whether we're going to be driven by inordinate fear or The Fear of The Lord. Inordinate fear is fear that's not in order with Gods Word or his Spirit. The key element here is the lack of honor. Fear that's not of God will make you harden when God has you on a mission. It'll make you cast down his people when you should be lifting them up, and it'll force you to run into position to be punished because you mocked the poor instead of taking refuge in him. In essence it makes you disobey him rather than do things that will keep you in good standing with Him.
Why would God make you a refuge for others and then he not be a refuge for you while you are doing his work? The very idea that you have to be merciless to try the spirit of others (which God gives us discernment for), is straight up facts that we don't TRUST in Him, and neither do we care to try💯.
We need to seriously check ourselves. The minute we harden up when someone asks for help we need to ask God with fear and trembling, "Hey! What's that!?! Where did it come from?" We need to ask ourselves the hard questions so the devil won't have anything to accuse us with. When we find out we need to repent and make amends if that's necessary.
Personally I've never liked spankings, or even if you talked hard to me. I wouldn't call myself soft spoken, but if I can Express myself without a lot of yelling I'd do it. Likewise, with God I don't want to constantly look over my shoulder wondering if God is avenging someone because of something I said or did. I've always shown mercy, I've always been a person with great empathy, and just like someone with a BIG heart I get hurt by things people say and do sometimes.
All the circumstances I went through in the past was so I could encourage someone now. I feel like God let it be really painful so I wouldn't have room to judge anyone with the same issues. He also let it hurt good enough so I wouldn't make the same mistake of sitting in the judgment seat myself.
Comments
Post a Comment