Believing In Me

"I can't make you believe in me,and neither can I make you see I'm worth fair chance. I can just believe in myself."-Shakana Borders

Today I'm quoting myself! You know why, because sometimes we need to hit a point of desperation to speak with honesty about our situation. Honest to God, my family has been struggling, we've seen more points of strangulation in the spirit realm than any other family I could possibly know. We went 7 months homeless, had a new baby during that time, and are still trying to catch up on our debts. I know that there is a level of hardship you should "expect", but what happens when it's more like strategic attack. Ask the intercessors at your local praying fire baptized church. They'll tell you there's a such thing as being attacked, and that's why it's called SPIRITUAL WARFARE. Trust me, before you go getting too religious on me-saying I'm claiming things over my life, please realize that THIS ONE, has had a relationship with the Lord since I was 4. Why so early? I had epilepsy, and for me that was a reason to pray. Now I'll be honest I've fell off a little from time to time, I'm human. However, the Bible says train up a child in the way they should go, even when they are old they will not depart. My early start brings me here and I've went from praying child to praying WOMAN!

All of this is to say this. There is a such thing as strategic attack from the enemy, I'm smart enough to discern  that, and sometimes it gets hard. However I've been taking a series of steps to get myself back on track. It's not easy all the time to pop open the Bible all the time. That's right, even I struggle sometimes. So here's what I've done.

1. Read for Where I'm At

So I love to read, but even a person like me who loves to read will lose interest in reading if I'm emotionally bogged down. I suggest writing down your personal issues so that you can know what to read about. I've had my head in several books. Me and my husband are even a part of a youth group that reads a book every month and has discussion based on the book. This book in the photo is not the one we read in the Youth Group "Unmuted", but this is one that I chose to read. I found out about it about this time last year when I was reading a devotional that was based on the book. You can read my post What does it means to prosper? by clicking the link. This book is called "How's Your Soul?" by Judah Smith. If you go back to my post from that year. You'll see it's base scripture is 3 John 1:2 which says "Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper, and be in health even as thou soul prospereth.". I needed a book that would speak to my soul and this was the one!
Now before you freak out about getting a hardback or paperback and it's cost. Slow your role, cause I got you. I paid nothing to read this book! I'm reading it on Overdrive. I have the app on my phone and I read from it almost every night or as much as possible page by page. When I put the kids to bed that's when I get my time in to read. Anyway this has been a great book. Pastor Judah does a very great job of being encouraging, and even showing understanding about how emotions can get the best of you. See...having a book like this doesn't make me miserable it makes me feel like someone gets me. I'm in a place where I'm doing lots of soul searching, so why not read a book about the betterment of my soul and how to get there?

2. Listen if I can't Read

When all else fails and you can't read, (and I mean figuratively and literally)you can just listen. Listen to a motivational speech, a sermon, or a book. Man, do you know how many audio books are on Hoopla Digital and Overdrive? As I said earlier, me and my husband are apart of a Youth group called "Unmuted" and not only do we read in this group, we go out to eat and we discuss the book, and give our own perspectives as well as listen to others. It helps to be interactive with a group, because now instead of being left alone to read you have others who can answer the questions. Then there are audio books like this one!

It's called "She's Still There" by Crystal Evans Hurst. Now if you know me, you know I'm a HUGE Priscilla Shrier Fan! I watch her on YouTube, I've read her book Fervent, I used to have a devotional by her (which I loved and lost). She only did the Foreword for this book. The author Crystal Hurst is her sister! I found out about her book on a YouTube I saw of-you guessed it-I was watching "The Chat with Priscilla". When I looked on Hoopla Digital it only came up as an audio book. I didn't expect to fly through the chapters as I did, but it was very interesting to hear someone speak from their perspective about how you waver off track from time to time and how you end up so far off from where you intended to go. This lady was speaking my life story in a "girl I feel ya'" type of way. So I sat up that morning against my pillow, and I loom knitted some beautiful baby booties. All I needed was some coffee and I would've been straight. I recall saying that this relaxing experience made me want to have a home office because my son kept coming to interrupt me. You know how that is...

3. REST

There is something I've learned with time. While you are waiting it is possible to be so anxious that you have no rest. I've been making tons of jewelry, baby booties, updating my website and honestly nothing feels better than good ol' fashioned REST. I mean both sleep and self care I mean getting the kids in the bed on time, and taking time to journal and do nothing after. Maybe you're like me and art relaxes you but it's important that you find rest. Hear me when I say take time for yourself. When I was reading "How's Your Soul?" and he emphasized rest, I realized that I had put in the footwork to get the help that I need. I've put in several applications for some things I've gotten rejection for, I've done applications where all I can do is wait for their assistance, and my anxiety is not making any employers or anyone else call me any quicker. So that night I went to sleep, and I slept well too, because I've accepted that all I can do in this moment is wait. Don't get me wrong I'm still looking for help and work, but now instead of fretting about what jobs didn't hire me and why, I actually just made more jewelry, and I'm refining my website. Getting rest made me feel much better and more focused on my craft-now if I can find a networking event I'll totally show up and I'll make some sales. Someone told me give myself permission to worry about things for 2 hours, and then I call it quits for the day, and that day I won't be overwhelmed and start feeling depressed.

So like I said earlier in this post, I can't make anyone believe in me, but I can believe in myself. In all these points my main point is that just because I have a dream I don't have to sell it to anyone unless they are trying to invest in me with a grant, or if I was applying for a loan. Those words are what I said to the people in charge at my sons old school right before they told me his childcare would be terminated since I was unemployed. I was trying to find afterschool for my daughter Anya, and a job that would hire me from 9:30-1 which is all the time I had to render since she didn't have it. I was riding the bus to Atlanta from Decatur and back every day and it was costing me more to hold on to that than it was to let it go. I was under a ton of pressure....and I couldn't pull on resources because my husband was working. In the long run I finally did get some help and now I'm waiting for them to respond, so I can give all my kids childcare together. That whole situation ended in me finding assistance somewhere else even though they tried to pin me up against the wall. I started off the meeting saying the very words I wrote above, and I was really down when I said it, but it was the honest truth. Although in this meeting one of those ladies tried to make me out to be a lazy bum who didn't want to put forth the effort to find a job, or like I was a nobody who was "just making a bunch of excuses" (those were her exact words). I protested and I fought for my family in the natural and in spirit. I prayed and I went to war on behalf of my children, because although I was telling those people that my children are my priority and solidifying their childcare is important to me before moving on to the next step, this particular woman made me out to be someone who wasn't even trying. Even with all the proof and rejections that I told them about. It didn't matter. In the end I gave up selling my dream to others and started believing in myself. It's what I used to do anyway when I was a teenager. I didn't have friends but I was my own person and I believed in myself. I was actively making my dreams a reality and some people purposefully plotted against me, and I'm here now, but I'm taking responsibility for where I am by believing in myself again. I don't need other peoples validation, and I can tell that somewhere along the way I've allowed them to distract me because of low self-esteem or I might let their position make me feel intimidated. I keep forgetting I'm a child of God, and if I'm claiming He is the Most High I need to start acting like I know.

You may be in a place in your life where you are feeling hurt, frustrated and everything is looking sour no matter where you turn. You may have a desire to read the Word of God, but can't muster up the strength to listen even to the bible app because your mind is too cloudy. I advise that you follow those 3 steps. Read, Listen and Rest. Sometimes there is nothing more that you can do because you've already done everything you can. So what other people don't see you busting your butt every day. Do you see you? Do you see how every day you sometimes go over your own limits and are stretching yourself too thin? And to prove what- to whom? Is that person above God's opinion of you? Set yourself free Sista' Girl, and LET IT GO! Put it in his hands and focus on what you can a little at a time. Your progress might not look like something to others,  but last time I checked those people weren't with you in the past and they can't determine that. I'm only saying what I know based off my experiences with people. Folks have an opinion all the time about things that are none of their business, and they often forget where they've come from. Well let me tell ya' I'm kicking them and their opinion to the curb, and I want you to join me in doing so. 

You can't make anyone believe in you, and you can't pitch your dreams to everyone, or convince people that you are worth a shot either. That's your job to believe in yourself, pitch your vision to the appropriate people who can actually help, and give yourself a real shot by moving forward in the path God has for you. First get your rest though so you can focus. After reading this post...will you do it now? Believe in yourself? I know I sure will, because sista' I'm tired of explaining myself to folks who won't listen anyway. It's bout time I heard God and myself again. I thank these authors that have written these wonderful books. In a small way they helped me. I'm learning my boundaries, I'm progressing in my soul, and I know for real for real, that I'm still in there. I had to do some digging, but that girl often mistaken for a rebel is still there. I should have kept listening to her, because listening to these know it all's have not helped. I'm getting my edge back day by day, and I'm letting God define me, not peoples opinions. So for the record I can care less what anyone is saying about me. So with that I say......I'M BAAAAAAAAAAACK!