Overdo and Overdue Part 1

As a mom there are days when I'm overwhelmed with tasks, and I'm constantly cleaning up behind my kids, or running errands. There are days when I never have the time to be myself, or just sit back and create. These particular days come back to haunt me because I'm always trying to make up for it at night when my kids are asleep. This doesn't benefit me at all, it results in me being tired during the day and going to sleep in the middle of chores or whatever it is that I'm doing. I'm learning more and more with life that it's important not to overdo something or under do it.

The other day my son went to the babysitter for the first time, and I've grown so accustomed to having him with me, that I didn't realize how much of a relief it would be to get things done without him. Doing the laundry, and grocery shopping was less burdensome, and I actually enjoyed it. Usually when I do the laundry and I step out the door my son either cries, or he waits at the door for me to come back and that isn't always helpful. There were also no little hands going in the laundry baskets and throwing clean clothes out onto the floor while I'm trying to fold.

When I went grocery shopping it was just me, the shopping cart and the food. I ran out the door a little after 10am and by the time I was done I had finished in about 1 1/2 hours. It was about 12 when I realized I actually had more time before picking up my daughter, and I arrived back home about 1:30pm. I actually sat and ate some food and took care of myself before going back outside to pick up my daughter from school, and I actually came back and picked up the baby last.

I called my mom and told her about my day but she was a little taken aback by my excitement to get things done or in her words "get rid of her grandkids." When I explained what having them all day entails she actually began to understand. There is one thing that my mom didn't have when I was growing up and that was epilepsy. My mom wasn't diagnosed with epilepsy until I started Middle School, and I was already mature enough to take care of myself without her help in a lot of ways. No I may not have had a job, but I did create one. In fact Middle School is when my business first took off. I was too worried about asking mom for any money, and I had created myself a bracelet with my name on it. Another girl in my class with a unique name pointed out my bracelet and asked me where I got it from. She also offered to pay me some money to create one for her, and that's how my business took off. Fast forwarding to now, I've increased my skill a ton from the whole customized bracelet frenzy that was popular in the 90's and early 2000's but it's what gave me a start.

The conversation between me and mom about taking on more than you can bear actually made me feel way better. I helped her to understand that I can not get the things done that I need in the house if I'm always toting baby Vic around with me. Chores become way more frustrating, and I skip out on eating because I never get any time to go food shopping for anything to eat. I make sure the kids eat, but it's usually after I make a quick run to the store in the plaza across the street, and that place is not always the greatest place to shop. I mean one time I found a tape worm in the chicken and just ended up throwing away everything! So now, if it doesn't come bagged or canned I don't want it-at least not from there. I'll go to Kroger all day, but that requires me t go down the way and towards the mall on the bus, and I can't always grocery shop like I want to on public transportation.

I try my best not to compare myself to other moms, but you can't help but do it sometimes. Personally I have to do what works for me though, and I can't work 2 and 3 jobs without having a seizure and burning out easy. I've done it before and it made me very sick. I'm not going to kill myself trying to do things like another person. Then what good would I be to my children? My mom was the lady who did have 2 or 3 jobs when I was younger, however this was before her diagnosis. Now, she can barely drive 45 minutes to my house without feeling like she is going to have an episode on the road. She's always in the company of another person and she comes over. I'm sorry that she's just now beginning to understand what it means to be forced to slow down; however this is the life that was given to me from the beginning. That's why when I do the mom thing I overdo it trying to make up for "where I may lack".

The key is balance though, and I'm learning not to overdo one thing, and don't do enough of another thing. In my case that's parenting. I'll overdo the parent thing all day long, and under wife, or under do chores, self care, or even my business because I'm a parent. Last year I went through this phase of putting my important belongings in the baby's bag. I felt like there was no need for me to have a purse, and slowly I was showing that I had no identity outside of being a parent. I don't know when it was that I caught the conviction about carrying a purse again, but I know that when it came I dug through all of my belongings for a purse and found one that I'd long abandoned and began to fill it with personal items. My purse has my wallet, my make up bag, it even has a Paypal card reader in it for sales on the go.

It was amazing because through my son I now understand my mother. She was very afraid to let me go and in her own words she said "Yes, you had people babysit you but it was rare and it was like pulling teeth for me to let you go." When my son was diagnosed with seizures and they came in clusters it made me a lot more fearful to let him go, but last night I heard God tell me to write a seizure action plan, call the sitter, and let her know why I had taken so long to take her up on her offer to babysit. That morning I briefly went over the plan and I left. I was sure my son was in good hands because she called me later to let me know that after I had left he settled down and began to warm up. My daughter even has a seizure action plan, and her emergency medication at her school in case there is an emergency while she's there.

 I'm not a bad mother because I rejoiced in being away from my kids for a few hours. I'm not dumping off my kids on anyone. I love them entirely too much for that. I value my time with them, and I love talking to my daughter about her day after school. It helps me to have some time to myself, and this time I wasn't deprived of that space or neglecting the things that were important because I had them. I had a great day, and I was able to tell my daughter how happy I was. She saw it in my attitude that I was better, and she loved it. 

In addition to this I am training my son and myself that it is okay to be separated for a time and then come back together. It is what would be happening if he were enrolled in school anyway. I can't live my life in fear that something will happen to him. I wouldn't be helping him to have faith in God if I kept on going about things in this manner. You can not give a child fear and faith at the same time. Those are opposites that counteract one another, and simply by letting go I am teaching my son independence, and that is something he will thank me for when he's a lot older. I told my mom a long time ago when his seizures lessened up I'll lighten up, and I meant that. I'm not going to throw off my kid on anyone knowing that he's too sick to function, but I will let him be watched when I can and when he's better. Say my son gets better with time, I can't continue to hold that fear over his head or he'll end up hating me. He'll feel like I never let him live a normal life, and that's something that I'm not interested in doing, because I know what that's like. I try my best for my children to live without too many labels. I want for them to not feel hindered by what is going on with them but I also want to teach them to use wisdom about it. 

I'm glad I was able to get everything done Thursday, and it put me in a way better mood. I was functional for once and not so frustrated over problems that didn't get solved, and on top of that I defended myself and was confident in who I was. I wasn't in the dark about my needs and falling for anything as a result. I stood my ground, and I'm glad I did.