I Won't Leave You

When I came from the hospital Saturday, my daughter was gone because my mother had come to get her. I didn't get to see Anya until Sunday. I asked if I could be taken to Walmart because someone had given me $20 for some jewelry. So my job was to get on it. 

Thanks to Ms. Paula I was given a display rack as a donation for my business. It is to hang my earring creations on.  Of course I honored her in the album of Donors and supporters for Kana Wear LLC. Facebook page alongside my mother. 

Anyway, we get home and my daughter (who is 4) sits in my lap, and when I move her after sitting with her for a while she goes into this panic. When I told her to give me a minute to finish up my Newsletter she cries. She just sat and cried, and cried, and for a minute I couldn't console her. I tried telling her to use her words but she had no words. When I asked her to calm down and tell me what was wrong she still cried, and I had to go into a series of questions to investigate what could have been wrong. 

"You want to stay with mommy?" I asked.  

"Yes" 

"Can you tell me why you are crying?"

"I don't want to go play!" She screamed. 

She'd never done this before so I asked her if my stay at the hospital with the baby may have hurt her, and it turned out she was just very afraid I'd leave again. 

"I'm not going to leave you now, but I had to go to the hospital with the baby. I missed you a lot though because when I came back you weren't here."

I didn't know that it bothered her this badly because as a parent and a person with epilepsy, I go through this strange phenomenon that when my kids cry it isn't for me. My initial thought was that she was crying for my mother because she had just left, but all that crying was for me. I didn't even realize that I'd become so distant and disconnected. Both having a seizure and seeing one will send me into this dark state of mind. Even though I love my kids the constant wondering when the next one will be or if I'll end up back in the hospital again makes me paranoid. In science they call it "seizure anxiety". And my usual worry is if I'll crash myself from being too stressed about my family, or if one of my kids will get sick. This is why I call it the dark phase because you often wonder who you are and what life is for way after the Postictal Phase is over. 

I basically apologized to my daughter in more ways than one. The following day after I had taken the kids to the neurologist. I was in the mood to create, so I took out beads and started making things, and she came over to me anxiously touching all my supplies. At first I said "Hey wait!" And then I felt conviction. I want to pass my business down to my daughter, and if I keep pushing her away the way that I was doing, she won't know two things about it. So I taught her the pattern I was using for bracelet I made, and she comprehended. After we finished she said. 

"Can we make my bracelet now? I want to do another one." Here is the picture of the bracelet we made together. It's for sale along with some matching earrings that I made after she went to school the next day. 

All I could do is hug my daughter when she showed interest in what I love. Yes of course she could make another one but first I had to go find some supplies. So the next day I made it a thing to go get some dollar beads from Family Dollar. I found some elastic sitting around in my creation corner, and even though the elastic was too thin for small hands I still used it. I remembered the day before I had seen some cube beads with the letters on them and BAM!-I actually had enough to give her something to start off like a small kit! I went and picked her up from school and told her I had something for her but we had to go home to get it, and when we arrived and I had gathered everything together I said "Here you go!" 

Anya had become so eager to start beading and it was so fun! Since she can recognize the letters in her name I actually just spilled out the beads onto the table and began to help her look for the four letters A-N-Y-A, and she found every one. The only thing I did is help her tie the end of the string, hold it so the beads wouldn't fall off, and then put the beads on in the right direction so her name could be read, and I tied it closed. She did the rest though. She beaded the elastic all by herself. And I'm hoping that some day I can create a line just for her as an extension of my business, but first I had to create in front of her and then show her what I did, and that she could do it too.

I'll admit that sometimes I forget to let my daughter into my world, but I can't afford to do that if I want her to inherit the business I'm building. I can't afford to do it at all so I do need to take care of myself so that I can be a better mom. I know that when I do take care of her that I am able to give her everything I've got, and I'll admit that I haven't exactly been doing that. My promise to her was just a physical promise that I wouldn't leave her, but mentally and emotionally I had left her. I wasn't even myself, so much so that I didn't realize that my daughter was ready and interested in what I do.

Proverbs 22: 6 says  "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." We often look at this scripture as a means for just having a relationship with God, or discipline and correction, but what about the simple things like a skill you are being taught as a child? Do you want your children to be entrepreneurs? Career focused? Family focused? Letting children into your world just a little is okay when it comes to who you are and what you want to teach them. I saw a quote from twitter that said "Stop giving your children everything you wish you had and start teaching them everything you wished you'd known." That was a perfect quote for me to read, that's what I intend to do with my daughter. The first step to doing that is letting her know who I am and what I do, and constantly exposing her to me being creative. She used to see it all the time as an infant but as life has come I've been negligent even of my own passions and I'm slowly breaking into it and teaching her what I love, even with little gifts like making her a costume for super hero day last year. She was so impressive that all the teachers and students loved her costume and so did she! My daughter plays with that costume right now, and if she's not dressed as a princess then she's dressed as Super Anya! All I did is make the belt, mask, and cape.

The bottom line is that I need to spend more time with my daughter being myself and having fun doing the things that I love to do, because when you feel that connection to share who you are with your children they feel even more loved. One day I'm just going to play some Michael Jackson and make tons of bracelets with her. A sewing machine, and beading kit is on my list to get my daughter. She is the future of Kana Wear LLC, and I will be giving her a lot of play if she gets good some day. Right now it was just a fun little project I threw together at the last minute for her, and my goddaughter when she walked in the door so it was fun.

I do what I do because I love my daughter. Some days I'm so focused on business and starting up for real, that I don't realize how much she wants to be apart of it. I've stopped to realize this whole thing is all about her now. So if you would like to donate to the future and legacy of Kana Wear LLC that would really make me happy. There is a lot of work to do as an entrepreneur, and of course in order for my daughter to inherit something there has to be something there for her to inherit. So please if you can donate today, every dollar counts towards our future together. I'm not just starting a business because I don't have a job or can't get one. I'm starting a business because I want my daughter to know that it's possible to be a young business owner. I want to leave her something significant before I die, and not a bunch of bills and broken promises. So show your support today by clicking the link below and donating to the Kana Wear LLC Start Up Fund. Thank you.