Finding Peace
A few years ago, I was in a really difficult situation where me and my family were homeless for nearly 2 years. We were housed once and only survived there for a few months, we were evicted from there and then we ended up in a Hotel with a fellow family that was homeless, a grandma and her 3 grandchildren. We lived together, paid weekly motel fees together, and we took care of one another. We eventually had to split and ended up at another shelter, then homeless again, and back and forth in between peoples houses. Finally it was in the month of February where our housing became available to move into, and we were finally home. It was during this time that I found my own truth and stood on that truth ever since.
In 2019 Janet Jackson went on her Metamorphosis tour and Beyonce and Kelly Rowland were there. After reading what seemed to be the 8th article about these two women swaying to the beat and snapping their fingers, I became annoyed. MANY artists were there but in these articles EVERY writer seemed to center on what these two ladies were doing (which was enjoying the show-duh!). I became bored of the monotony, and in search of something else I finally saw another article about how Beyonce’ ditched the crowd after a while. “Good for her!” I thought. She had 99 problems but being bombarded by the paparazzi wasn’t one. However, I couldn’t help but think “Man I know she felt good ditching the crowd!” Such is life when you are constantly looking for the truth and you’re running into a ton of nonsense. Sometimes you have to ditch the monotony and be on your own for some Shalom.
I don't usually start out any of my blogs talking about any celebrity, however I couldn't help but see the similarities in my actions towards getting bored of the same old negative feelings, thoughts, and physical pains I was going through. I took pity on Beyonce but commended her for ditching the crowd cause sometimes you just gotta move on. My brain Screamed for Freedom in the same way! I wanted it so bad that I actually distanced myself from friends and family who weren't echoing the same peace I was seeking from God. I made a critical decision to pursue a different narrative in my own life. I can't help but say I'd had enough of not having peace, and so I went and sought my own truth.
Peace With Others
I love Proverbs 16:7 because it is a jolting scripture to me. The verse says when a mans ways Please the Lord, he makes even his enemies be at peace with him. His enemies! I can testify to this because once I started focusing all of my energy towards God, and looking at how I could serve and please Him, I had no time to be worried about anyone else's opinion of me. I literally had nothing they could hold against me. Every decision I made was God oriented or family oriented. Nothing I said or did was with intent to bring harm to anyone and when they realized that they all stopped trying to create a cause for strife and let me be. My quest for healing was so deep that there was nothing anyone could do or say to stop me from trying to pursue that for me and my family! I became Beyonce' ditching the crowd. Before you get all happy though realize the scripture says "When a man's ways please the Lord...". This means there is a level of obedience and humility that you must have in order to achieve peace with your enemies, because your ways must please the Lord.
For these past 2 years I've been seeking closure for myself even if that's not something given to me through the form of an apology. I've been praying for understanding and safety in the comfort of the Lord. Little did I know that my quest for closure would prepare me for the loss of my grandmother who passed February 2, 2021. God really does make things right if you allow. I won't say time heals all wounds but that God does if you let him in and if you seek him for it in a very real way. He will even allow you to have peace with your enemies, and if he can do that imagine the peace you'll have with the ones that are not your enemies!
There was nothing my grandmother did in particular to me. If anything the countless times that we lost contact was because of how often she and I both moved. She'd move and switch numbers and then I would move around from being homeless. I really wanted a better relationship with my grandma and time wouldn't permit it! All I could do is pray about what I truly wanted and ask the important questions.
So I called grandma one time and I asked her. I thought it was only for me, but apparently it was for grandma to a degree. "Grandma?" I asked, "Were you there to help my mom after she had me?" I meant right after my birth and following. I wouldn't say I was surprised when she said yes, and to some degree my mom told me the same thing. However there were times I got a different impression. I realized after my conversation with grandma that I couldn't judge, because I had also gotten so much support, and yet felt like nobody was there for me. Anything that I may have been told was simply a misunderstanding, or another persons perspective, but that wasn't the perspective that was MY truth.
A perfect example of having your own truth is the day I told my daughter that Santa Clause isn't real. Mind you, I'd NEVER told her Santa Clause was real to begin with. She was wondering where all the presents came from, and the entire time we were being donated to by several organizations. We had very blessed Holidays, and I could see why that could get misconstrued in a child's mind. I did tell her about the organizations but maybe all she heard was "Nice people who....blah blah blah Santa Clause!" That wasn't my truth though. My truth was that it was hard to go through all that paperwork, and that I made specific moves for me and my family to enjoy the holidays. Was that my daughters truth? No! In her narrative she believed Santa Clause sent his helpers to drop off her gifts at my front door, but really they were people from organizations that I signed up for who were so helpful and gave me boxes and bags worth of stuff! My daughter cried learning the truth that we have always been financially struggling, but she didn't miss anything. She still had a great Holiday! I used to think my mom was superwoman because of who she was as a woman, but do you think that was her truth? No, not all the time. So I completely understood.
What I recognized is that emotions can distort your thinking sometimes if you're not taught to deal with them properly. I go to a therapist because I suffer with Major Depressive Disorder. Too many emotions will overwhelm me and I'll begin to go into a meltdown if I don't manage my stressors. Although I have an official diagnosis from a therapist, I do recognize these disorders can develop over time in anyone. Having epilepsy caused this malfunction to occur because I can recall depressive symptoms from childhood.
Hearing my grandma say she was present before and after my mom gave birth gave me comfort. Whether she was there a tiny bit or a lot didn't matter to me. At least I knew that lonely Zaza X narrative wasn't anything I should hold on to. I wasn't digging up all this old stuff so that I could somehow hold it against my mom, but I was trying to find my own truth. In my moms version of the truth she was surrounded by people but felt alone sometimes raising me. This didn't make her a liar it was just how my mom may have felt at that time. It could've been the absence of one person that set her off or that she was having a really unusual pregnancy. I can't speak for that, but I can say I can relate to having some form of support and discounting it because my feelings blind me from being in the moment. I went to get clarity so that I can see what truly happened and change the narrative.
I read an article a little while ago about Mr. Rogers, he talked about his mom, and he said she taught him whenever there's trouble to look for the helpers. If you are watching something on the news where there's a building on fire, who are the helpers? Firemen, Paramedics, and Police Officers. In the midst of the trouble someone is there trying to help set things right, and I learned from conversations with my grandma that my mom had a lot of helpers. She also had a lot who were willing to help even if she never really took them up on that offer. God only knows why, and that's not for me to judge, but there's a comfort in knowing the help was available, and people were willing to help.
Peace Within Yourself
As parents we try not to wear our hearts on our sleeve so we can put on a strong face for our kids. As a parent and the child of a single parent, I say that the best thing you can do for yourself is be transparent enough to get help when you need it. Asking for help when it's necessary and looking for the helpers will help you remain positive and keep your children positive as well. It's really easy to get zapped into the mindset that you have no support, and it's not pretty when your children begin to say the same things. Honestly my kiddo's have repeated a thing or two about not feeling happy because no one will help, and more than it being a reflection on my behavior towards them, it's more a reflection of my personal behaviors around them. I no longer wanted to project my feelings onto my children, and it's not as easy as it sounds to just stop, but at least I was on the road to healing.
Philippians 4:7 Says "The Peace of God transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts, and minds in Christ Jesus." Christ must be the focal point in order to get there. He's the only way to achieve that peace. I know for sure that while I was pursuing him to change my life I was pursuing him to heal my heart. I wasn't just seeking him to give us stability naturally. I wanted the whole thing! I wanted to be made whole! The more I sought him the more I recognized that he was giving me peace and guarding me without my help. Being guarded in flesh is way different than being guarded by God in the spirit. In your flesh you're left to your trauma's, fears, and triggers, but when you are guarded by God he gives you actual peace, and a strategy on how to get set free.
My last conversation with my grandma was January 21, and I closed those doors with grandma as well as let her know that I was stepping in to shine things that felt new. I let her know that I loved her and that she was always on my mind and that struggling seemed to rob me of every opportunity I had to keep touch with her. I called her initially for closure and comfort for myself since I was seeking healing in my own life. I let her know a few things I was told and how it made me feel. More than anything though I made sure I emphasized how much I loved her, and if I had known that would be my last conversation with her I would've said it twice with just as much urgency, or called her back the very next day.
So the first step to my healing was to stop accepting a bad narrative, my second step was gaining clarity, and after I gained clarity I had to forgive because it was the one thing standing in the way of my progress. In order to forgive I had to have some level of empathy for those people who may have given me a bad story. Forgiveness was for me that time because I wanted freedom, and to me freedom involved feeling loved and accepted by the ones I loved. I also wanted to be unchained from a generational curse, and I had to do it for me first so my children could reap the benefits in the future.
The peace Christ gives us truly is a gift to the World can't give to us. The Worlds version of peace is making war, or having to give someone a piece of your mind, but Forgiveness is the hard lesson God desires for us all to learn. Even when the offender assumes innocence, or tries to justify their wrongs with some type of authority they may have. It's even harder when you've felt betrayed, abused, or rejected by them and they were doing these things with a conscious mind. Pray for those types of people, because it's through God's guidance and deliverance you'll be set free. Forgiveness is truly something we can't do without the power of God. Your offenders may never apologize to you but at least you have the narrative of God instead of the one that keeps you discouraged and bound to a heartbreaking memory. Let those people be accountable for their own actions with God. His standards for them are way higher than the worlds standards, and he will judge what type of job they're doing on his own. It's not your job to see whether anyone has learned the lessons of life, that's Gods job.
I just wanted to take the time to shout out Kirk Franklin, who's a true man of God! You may wonder why I said it like that although we heard the audio. He apologized publicly to us because his son made that issue with them public. Everyone kept saying in the comments that he need not apologize but Kirk wasn't worried about the people in the comments. He went based on the Convictions God gave him and not what the World was saying he should've done! When a mans ways please the Lord, his enemies will be at peace with him. As long as Kirk continues to pursue God the way he does by focusing on God and Him only-he's going to be fine, and his son will come around too. We get so caught up in responding negatively all the time we don't even realize the level of peace and relief God is willing to give us if we just obey Him. I feel like that issue got exposure because God wants the World to see parent-child relationships according to His Standards. Both these men are suffering tons of scrutiny and only one of them did what God told them to do and admitted his mistakes. If we are going to serve God we must be humble about our ways, and God isn't pleased with pride because he states it in His Word.
Sometimes finding your peace makes you comfortable with yourself. After you come to grips with that there's nothing people can say or do to get you away from trying to please the Lord, and getting closer to your authentic self. I can imagine the peace Kirk has by NOT reading the comments on his social media posts. Some things may have happened but it's only a part of your story. Just because some bad things happened doesn't mean you need to hold on to that as your truth. Other peoples feelings, thoughts, and actions were their own. Now you need to find yourself in the midst of that. Take responsibility for your own actions and focus on your own growth.
Personally my testimony involves not living in denial about my disability anymore. I know that sounds stupid, but it's honestly not easy. I remember a time were everyone was telling me that the way that I was thinking was wrong, and how I solved my problems was wrong too. However, taking their advice nearly killed me. After having a seizure at work I realized that I CAN NOT do this anymore their way! I have to do this my way which was how God told me to do it in the first place! Their advice was not worth dying over, and I've been free ever since! This is the photograph I drew when I came to grips with the fact that I was an epileptic, that the way I think in order to manage and get around was very different. And as you see I called that "Acceptance".
I felt like sharing this testimony in my life because everyone has offenses, and honestly we don't know where to begin to take charge over our lives in the midst of all those. It's like a ton of chaos but if you Trust in God to help you through those offenses then you can get the help you need. To be truthful closure from God is way better than a sorry, or any apology I can ever get. That's because when he heals, he heals the entire thing! Don't mistake forgiveness for a cheap way to let people off the hook. Forgiveness does free you, and in turn commits the situation to the Lord to handle without it burdening you.
I have been on this quest to find my own truth for an entire Decade. I went through one of constantly listening to what others thought was best for me, being criticized for standing up for what my family really needed. I've been called a lot of things and sometimes not a child of God. I'm 30 years old I can't say I'd jump at the idea of repeating my 20s. It wasn't until I turned 29 that I was cool with everyone walking away from me, because I valued having the peace of God over broken relationships and putting up with the nonsense I had. I wasn't begging anyone to stay and I wasn't trying to be worried about who didn't like what I was doing and distracting me from getting the peace I wanted.
Ever since I've been consistently pursuing my dreams. I've been free, and having a little fun because I'm following my passion. No one can continue to judge me to the degree they had, because they see me making moves on a daily basis now. NO ONE CAN ARGUE WITH RESULTS! I've said this a million times in other blogs.
I found out I had always been the same. I had a few struggles but I needed to begin walking in my Truth. After I started finding my rhythm and finding success it was then the people who once criticized me got behind me on my vision for my business and my life. I had always held on to a business plan, eagerly waiting on the opportunity to shine and for my finances to get straight. When everyone went into lock down I was still getting paid at school so I took that and put money towards my business. I reinstated my LLC, I bought a few materials and supplies, and I was starting out doing some things online to sell my jewelry. I made well over $100 on my first LIVE! It was exhilarating, but none of this would've happened had I not chosen to find peace with God, myself, and then others.
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