"Don't Spoil Him..." Yeah Whatever...
Today I'm just going to let my hair down a little. I'm going to talk about the relationship that I have with my son. He's going to be 1 years old in May and I'm still stumped about what to do for him. I'm going to talk about the issue that I have been having lately with people running their mouths about how I spoil my son.
As a mother it is instinct to be protective of your children, regardless of what others may believe. Yes that's what daddy is there for, and I do trust that my husband does an excellent job. As a mother though my job is to love and nurture my son as I do all of my other children. So when people see how affectionate I am with my son and how much I tend to him they have a problem with his attachment to me.
In my mind I'm doing the right thing. My son feels loved by both of his parents and his big sister, and no one is hindering him from growing up. To me I'd only be spoiling him if I never let him grow up. One day my boy is going to be a man, and depending on how much I've let go and let God will determine how much of a man he's become. I want him and my husband to have male bonding, so he can't always be on mama's hip because he has to learn to be a man from his father. I commend the single women who raise boys into men with a good head on their shoulders, but my son has his father, and I feel like my job as his mom is to be loving, nurturing, and feminine so that he can know what to look for in a wife when he comes of age to marry.
What good would it be if I didn't grow an attachment to my son? He'd only tell the woman in his future that he hates his mother, and that he never felt loved. This is not the case for him. My son loves me. He gives me little slobbery kisses all the time, and he does the same to his dad. He does cry when I walk away but he gets over himself. He wants to be with me all the time, but that's because in the beginning when the baby first came home he was only around me. My husband was very sick, and when he worked he worked nights; so quite naturally he slept all day leaving me up with the baby and the responsibility of taking care of the kids. My husband hated 3rd shift, and when he first took it he complained that he'd be too tired to help with our new baby. It was true, but things worked out between those two and now he and my husband have a good relationship.
So what is this spoiling concern about? I don't like bratty little girls either. It's unattractive to see a kid throw a tantrum or cry over every single thing. We don't play that in this household so spoiled is not an option for my children.
My goal is to teach my son to be responsible, but he has a great example of a man who is responsible in his father. I grew up in a single parent home, and my husband grew up in a huge family with women who were wed and did the homemaker thing better than I could. They had husbands who provided and took care of the family as well, and I admire that. Therefore I trust my husband in that area since he had such great examples of men and women. His aunts, mother, sister, brother and uncles as well as other relatives were great examples of women and men to him, and that raises the bar for me.
I know that I will never be perfect but my goal is not perfection. What I am trying to attain is being the best parent that I can be. I can not treat my son as I treat my daughter, but I can love them just the same. Picture this...I love tea parties, and I know the first thing you are thinking is "girl things". But actually if you look at the reason tea parties were introduced it was to teach etiquette. Girls are to cross their legs, and dress up in pretty dresses, while boys wear a suit and pull out chairs for the girls and be gentlemen. Everyone is polite, well dressed, and can not get dirty. Do you see what I mean, just right there the expectation for how a little lady and a little gentleman was demonstrated but I'm supposed to make sure I "don't spoil him". Honey, where? I'm teaching my boy that all women aren't these awful creatures of the opposite sex that deserve to be treated like trash. Why because I carry myself as a woman.
The point I'm trying to make here is that I'm feminine, and I deal with my son as a woman because that's who I am! There is nothing manly about me and never will be so I don't deserve this condemnation about how my son is too attached because I kiss on him and hug him like I do my daughter. My daughter is the one I'm raising to be a woman but my son is the one that I expect to grow into a man. Even now he is someones brother, and one day he will be someones wife. I'm not one of those mothers who will make my daughter fiercely independent and feel like she doesn't need a man and my son terribly dependent on me and be irresponsible. He has a father, and I'm going to let my husband father my son. I can't teach him to be a man alone, that's why my husband is here. My husband is supposed to play catch with him, because I throw like a sissy.
Before you think I totally missed what this "don't spoil him" warning is about know that I take somewhat of a parenting class. I have private sessions with a lady from a company called Families First, and she helps me to understand attachment, and sees whether my son is meeting his milestones or not. I will brag that my son is flying through each milestone, and he may have had trouble crawling for a while only because he was showing a lot of stubbornness during tummy time, but once he got the hang of it we couldn't stop him. My son is doing fine, and actually Ms. Laura is not scared to tell me when I pick him up too much or if I am hindering him. I need people like that so I can know my limits, but Ms. Laura has seen the worst of them, and the best. She's seen babies who don't have attachments to their mothers, and she sees how it makes the baby's quiet, and distant. Can you imagine a 1 year old or under being quiet, not gurgling, not smiling, not reaching out in gladness towards their mom but screaming in fear and agony instead. That hurts me just thinking of my children doing that. When I walk in a room my 4 year old and 11 month old light up with glee. It's great because I take that as a sign that I don't make them miserable even on my worst day. They still love me and stay attached because I do show them love. That's who I am as their mother, and for my daughter I'm showing her how to be a lady, but for my son I'm his first example of a woman, and that's why I do for him the way I do.
More importantly I know when to let go, and that's the issue at hand with most parents who do overcompensate for their children whether they are boys or girls. My son was diagnosed with epilepsy and anyone who knows me knows I grew up with it. My mom was also very over protective and sheltered me a lot where life was a little more difficult. As a young adult I was treated as a teenager (given a curfew and what not). One day my son was in the hospital and I was on the phone with my mom and she started to panic talking about how I had to make sure he didn't do this or that because of the seizures and instantly I defended him saying "No!! I don't accept that!" Then I explained to her that I won't live on pins and needles worrying myself to death about him having another seizure because I believe he is healed and that if I didn't know how to let him go he'd hate me for it. My mom then said something I never thought she'd say she said "I don't know how to do that, you're better than me cause I would be scared." If I were spoiling him I would be over protective, and I wouldn't allow him to grow and learn in spite of this disability. That's spoiling. He's a baby and he's now learning to walk so my job is to help him to accomplish that. If I wanted to baby him I'd carry him around all day long and not let him stand or pull up on things. I'd keep him trapped, but then wouldn't that make more work for me???
I don't see what I do as spoiling him, and I'm totally against this biased view that boys shouldn't be spoiled but it's somehow acceptable for girls. That is so terrible, and backwards. Both of them should not be spoiled, they should be raised with love and affection. My daughter has a great example of a man in my husband but I teach her to be a lady, and for my son I am an example of a woman but only his dad can truly teach him how to be a man and act like one. I'd do him a great disservice there. Maybe people do just want to have something to say, but at newborn and infancy there is no such thing as pure unconditional love spoiling a child. In that case the favor of God is spoiling us all who are believers.
As a mother it is instinct to be protective of your children, regardless of what others may believe. Yes that's what daddy is there for, and I do trust that my husband does an excellent job. As a mother though my job is to love and nurture my son as I do all of my other children. So when people see how affectionate I am with my son and how much I tend to him they have a problem with his attachment to me.
In my mind I'm doing the right thing. My son feels loved by both of his parents and his big sister, and no one is hindering him from growing up. To me I'd only be spoiling him if I never let him grow up. One day my boy is going to be a man, and depending on how much I've let go and let God will determine how much of a man he's become. I want him and my husband to have male bonding, so he can't always be on mama's hip because he has to learn to be a man from his father. I commend the single women who raise boys into men with a good head on their shoulders, but my son has his father, and I feel like my job as his mom is to be loving, nurturing, and feminine so that he can know what to look for in a wife when he comes of age to marry.
What good would it be if I didn't grow an attachment to my son? He'd only tell the woman in his future that he hates his mother, and that he never felt loved. This is not the case for him. My son loves me. He gives me little slobbery kisses all the time, and he does the same to his dad. He does cry when I walk away but he gets over himself. He wants to be with me all the time, but that's because in the beginning when the baby first came home he was only around me. My husband was very sick, and when he worked he worked nights; so quite naturally he slept all day leaving me up with the baby and the responsibility of taking care of the kids. My husband hated 3rd shift, and when he first took it he complained that he'd be too tired to help with our new baby. It was true, but things worked out between those two and now he and my husband have a good relationship.
So what is this spoiling concern about? I don't like bratty little girls either. It's unattractive to see a kid throw a tantrum or cry over every single thing. We don't play that in this household so spoiled is not an option for my children.
My goal is to teach my son to be responsible, but he has a great example of a man who is responsible in his father. I grew up in a single parent home, and my husband grew up in a huge family with women who were wed and did the homemaker thing better than I could. They had husbands who provided and took care of the family as well, and I admire that. Therefore I trust my husband in that area since he had such great examples of men and women. His aunts, mother, sister, brother and uncles as well as other relatives were great examples of women and men to him, and that raises the bar for me.
I know that I will never be perfect but my goal is not perfection. What I am trying to attain is being the best parent that I can be. I can not treat my son as I treat my daughter, but I can love them just the same. Picture this...I love tea parties, and I know the first thing you are thinking is "girl things". But actually if you look at the reason tea parties were introduced it was to teach etiquette. Girls are to cross their legs, and dress up in pretty dresses, while boys wear a suit and pull out chairs for the girls and be gentlemen. Everyone is polite, well dressed, and can not get dirty. Do you see what I mean, just right there the expectation for how a little lady and a little gentleman was demonstrated but I'm supposed to make sure I "don't spoil him". Honey, where? I'm teaching my boy that all women aren't these awful creatures of the opposite sex that deserve to be treated like trash. Why because I carry myself as a woman.
The point I'm trying to make here is that I'm feminine, and I deal with my son as a woman because that's who I am! There is nothing manly about me and never will be so I don't deserve this condemnation about how my son is too attached because I kiss on him and hug him like I do my daughter. My daughter is the one I'm raising to be a woman but my son is the one that I expect to grow into a man. Even now he is someones brother, and one day he will be someones wife. I'm not one of those mothers who will make my daughter fiercely independent and feel like she doesn't need a man and my son terribly dependent on me and be irresponsible. He has a father, and I'm going to let my husband father my son. I can't teach him to be a man alone, that's why my husband is here. My husband is supposed to play catch with him, because I throw like a sissy.
Before you think I totally missed what this "don't spoil him" warning is about know that I take somewhat of a parenting class. I have private sessions with a lady from a company called Families First, and she helps me to understand attachment, and sees whether my son is meeting his milestones or not. I will brag that my son is flying through each milestone, and he may have had trouble crawling for a while only because he was showing a lot of stubbornness during tummy time, but once he got the hang of it we couldn't stop him. My son is doing fine, and actually Ms. Laura is not scared to tell me when I pick him up too much or if I am hindering him. I need people like that so I can know my limits, but Ms. Laura has seen the worst of them, and the best. She's seen babies who don't have attachments to their mothers, and she sees how it makes the baby's quiet, and distant. Can you imagine a 1 year old or under being quiet, not gurgling, not smiling, not reaching out in gladness towards their mom but screaming in fear and agony instead. That hurts me just thinking of my children doing that. When I walk in a room my 4 year old and 11 month old light up with glee. It's great because I take that as a sign that I don't make them miserable even on my worst day. They still love me and stay attached because I do show them love. That's who I am as their mother, and for my daughter I'm showing her how to be a lady, but for my son I'm his first example of a woman, and that's why I do for him the way I do.
More importantly I know when to let go, and that's the issue at hand with most parents who do overcompensate for their children whether they are boys or girls. My son was diagnosed with epilepsy and anyone who knows me knows I grew up with it. My mom was also very over protective and sheltered me a lot where life was a little more difficult. As a young adult I was treated as a teenager (given a curfew and what not). One day my son was in the hospital and I was on the phone with my mom and she started to panic talking about how I had to make sure he didn't do this or that because of the seizures and instantly I defended him saying "No!! I don't accept that!" Then I explained to her that I won't live on pins and needles worrying myself to death about him having another seizure because I believe he is healed and that if I didn't know how to let him go he'd hate me for it. My mom then said something I never thought she'd say she said "I don't know how to do that, you're better than me cause I would be scared." If I were spoiling him I would be over protective, and I wouldn't allow him to grow and learn in spite of this disability. That's spoiling. He's a baby and he's now learning to walk so my job is to help him to accomplish that. If I wanted to baby him I'd carry him around all day long and not let him stand or pull up on things. I'd keep him trapped, but then wouldn't that make more work for me???
I don't see what I do as spoiling him, and I'm totally against this biased view that boys shouldn't be spoiled but it's somehow acceptable for girls. That is so terrible, and backwards. Both of them should not be spoiled, they should be raised with love and affection. My daughter has a great example of a man in my husband but I teach her to be a lady, and for my son I am an example of a woman but only his dad can truly teach him how to be a man and act like one. I'd do him a great disservice there. Maybe people do just want to have something to say, but at newborn and infancy there is no such thing as pure unconditional love spoiling a child. In that case the favor of God is spoiling us all who are believers.
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